so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
