anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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