New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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