11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
