Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
