proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He felt like a one man threesome
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
