your room smells of hookers.
And success
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
