If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
