I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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