Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
