Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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