I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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