I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
