I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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