Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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