The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
