hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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