five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
