i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
