You smell like stripper and shame
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
