I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
