guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
