At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
