My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
