I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
