Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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