Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
