For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
