just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
