I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
