I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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