She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
