i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
