shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
