For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
