dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize