I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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