I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
