No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
