Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
