Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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