Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
