my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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