Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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