so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
