who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
