I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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