im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
