I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
