we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
