take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
