life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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