Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
