You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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