i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
