so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
