Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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