he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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