Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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