Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
